this is blog

I just want to die. 

I have been feeling so down lately. My doctor put me on new anti depressants over a month ago and i ran out a few weeks ago, and my mom want take me to get a refill  OR to go back to our doctor and see how progress is. It’s not too good, honestly. Especially since I went from taking it every day to not taking it at all. So basically, everything I was feeling before  I was even on any kind of anti depressant is back. 

Either I really like being at school, or I can pull myself together just long enough to be the friendly entertainer. I think it might be a little of both. Regardless, when I come home I really do fall apart. Its nice though right after school, because i go to my grandparents until about 5:30 until my mom gets off works and takes my brother and I home. I’m really, really disliking my mom, more than I have before. Her and her stupid actions have gotten so old. She puts her boyfriend and our dog before my brother and I. I did really good in school this past 6 weeks, which hasn’t happened in a while for other reasons, and when I tried to tell her, she literally told me to shut up. My brother and I have had to eat all of our meals at our grandparents because out of no where, for some reason, mom never has any money now and “cant afford” to buy food from the store. I’m actually really sure she has been spending it on drugs, because I’ve asked quite a few times why we haven’t had any money and she either says it’s none of my business, or she says she has more important things to spend it on. This would not be the first time she has pulled something like this.

I honestly just want to be happy with life, just like everyone wants to. I hate having to take pills just to feel good, because I know that when I’m running on them, I’m not really myself. I have been trying to find more distractions to keep me from thinking about things. 

I’m really scared I’m going to relapse on drugs. Right now, I’m about 7 months marijuana free, and 9 months cocaine free. I have been told that cravings get easier to cope with the farther I go along but so far that statement is untrue, If anything, my cravings are getting worse. I can’t even hear people talk about drugs anymore. It’s on my mind more often than not, how easy relapse would be, and how good it would feel. I keep trying to etch it into my brain that I just need more distractions. 

I completed drug treatment on Thursday. At first I was really happy, because I thought it was a stepping stone in my life, which in a way, it was. But just a small day later, I’m having more intense cravings than I can honestly say I’ve ever had. 

I’m glad it’s Friday. Maybe a few sleep-filled days alone will help out. 

Today wasn’t bad. I ended up going to a basketball game with Daniel and it was pretty nice; I haven’t seen him since break started. For some reason Colten arrived and he didn’t tell me, so we just stared at each other until he came and sat with Daniel and I. I don’t think Daniel really likes Colten but honestly not a lot of people do. I don’t mind it. At least Daniel was mature about it. After the game Colten asked to take me home so of course I said sure, mostly because my grandma can’t drive well in the dark and I would have ended up walking half way home because of the stated reason. Anyways, he drove around for a while instead of taking me directly home, he wanted to talk about stuff, I guess, but we never really did. Then we went to jack in the box and he kept being difficult with the cashier which was actually really funny. I’m not sure how I feel about him right now. Him and I have been talking a little bit more than the usual. He’s just a hard person to read. But on the other hand I’m the same way so I’m sure he’s thought these exact same things before.

I finally got a freaking rubiks cube yesterday. I had been looking for one for about a week, so when I saw a cheap transformers edition at albertsons, I decided it would do. So far it’s actually working a little bit. It will definitely take some getting used to. I’m just scared it won’t be enough and I’ll get out of control and it’ll go downhill from there. That doesn’t happen as much now as it did at about this time when I first started anger management, but it still happens. I hope I’m just underestimating myself. 

I feel like I really should include this because it made me laugh really hard today.

I walked into the bathroom and my brother was in this position, with his underwear pulled way up and his shirt over his head. 

If I had an explanation, I would include it. 

Im actualy in an amazing mood today this is great

Today hasn’t been great. I went to bed at 5 am last night, and woke up at 6:30 because my mom needed to pay rent before we went to drug treatment, and I’ve been up since then. 

That doesn’t really help how crappy I’ve been feeling the past few days. Not as much a sick kind of crappy(even though I have been having the sniffles) but more of the kind of crappy I was feeling quite strongly this time last year. I’m not sure what it is, but it needs to stop. I have no desire to do anything, (at least more than the usual. ha.) and the felling of being worthless is overwhelming. 

I’ve been catching myself wondering a lot about God, and why He feels the need to throw these obstacles in my way. I’m trying to do what He wants but it’s kinda hard when I keep getting feeling like this. Because what’s the point? I’ll eventually resort to my old way of handling these situations. Or I’ll end up doing something even more stupid. What’s the point?????? I constantly get pissed off at stuff like this, just randomly through the day whenever it pops into my head. And it’s starting to get into my head more often. I guess that’s my fault. 

It’s about 4 am and there’s no one really to talk to. I read for a while and talked to Bailey for a little bit but I think she fell asleep. I have to get up in a couple hours because I have drug treatment at 8 tomorrow morning, which is different because it’s usually on Thursday afternoons. I never look forward to it because I don’t learn anything I don’t know. That’s fine though, it’s better than what rehab was. 

I hate how on the nights I stay up late no one else really does, and the same way around. Sucks.

It’s a good thing albums are out there that were made for these types of nights. 

A really good thing. 

Christmas break is coming to an end. I can honestly say it was a bit better than last christmas break. I didn’t leave the house much but i actually talked on the phone with people. I mean, sure it’s not that big of a deal to most people, I guess. Usually people only call me because they want someone to cry to or they want to know other irrelevant information. But it was nice to talk to people until 4 in the morning and it not be awkward. I missed doing that! Most of the time I have been by myself. I think I do it by choice, though. I’d love to go hang out with friends but at the same time I really just would rather stay at my grandparents and do absolutely nothing. I’m not sure why because I just end up hating myself for it because EVENTUALLY I get to thinking too much and old feelings come up and those kinds of things. Sometimes the feelings can be nice though, not all thoughts have to be bad. I don’t know why most people, when they get to thinking, they go to a “default setting” of sad and depressing thoughts. I’m not saying I don’t do that most of the time, but I do wish i could “default” to happy memories. I’ve been trying to do that more. And it’s actually very nice. I enjoy it. I feel like over this christmas break I’ve grown closer to a few key people, and I’m so happy about that. I haven’t really had a best friend in a while and I think I’m getting to the point where I do. What a great feeling that I obviously have taken for granted too many times. You would think I would learn. 

I found out a couple of days ago that my mom and her boyfriend are going to New Mexico(of all places??) on Sunday, and not coming back until at least Wednesday. I’m honestly not sure why she thinks this is a good idea considering the only food we have at our house is crackers, hot sauce, and peanut butter. That’s one reason I’m at my grandparents house more often than not. I just hope she  isn’t going off with this guy to elope or something stupid like that. And I hope he doesn’t hurt her or anything. My mom told me a few weeks ago, that her boyfriend apparently lost all of his money about 5 years ago because he was suspected of killing some guy. I guess he wasn’t found guilty or he got bailed out or whatever. I still don’t like the thought of her being so far away with him. Maybe it’s just my lack of ability to trust people or anxiety. I just don’t want him living with us permanently. I do want my mom to be happy though. Because when she isn’t it’s really a living hell. I wouldn’t mind having another parent around to help pay bills and stuff, but her current man can’t even pay his own bills. I just don’t like him in general and that’s all I really can say about him. 

Tonight at church we did this prayer circle thing, we turned all the lights off and sat in silence for a little bit. Then who ever wanted to say a prayer out loud had the freedom to do so. Colten said one and he asked for strength to get through his troubles and such, and then I prayed again for him. We aren’t dating, but I think there’s still something there. I’m honestly not sure. We have been talking more lately, but we haven’t talked about our, “situation” I guess you could call it. I don’t mind that though. I have no problem with being single because I understand how difficult I can be, and understand most guys don’t want a girl with a lot of crap going on, which makes sense apparently. But I’m ok with that. I can get by on my own, I just really don’t like to. I’m really just happy I have the friends I have. They really mean so much to me, and I actually don’t tell them that enough. I really should. They are all just perfect. Even though there’s really only about 5 of them. But I’m content. It’s so much better than 0. I’ve been there. There aren’t many more painful feelings. I’m actually am not completely sure if those 5 or so people know that they’re really all I have. I don’t want to burden them with that. That’s a tough thing to hear when someone tells you you’re all they have. Well, it’s absolutely flattering and means a lot, but then you don’t want to let them down. Which when I think about it isn’t that easy, but then I re-think it and it can be pretty easy to let someone down if they aren’t telling you what they feel or what they need. Maybe it’s just me. 

I have to go get a rubiks cube soon, for anger management. I thought it’s a bit odd that I’m being “moved up” from a stress ball to a rubiks cube. According to one of the therapists it’s supposed to take my mind off what ever may have me heated, unlike the stress ball, where i just demolish it until the anger has passed. Honestly I’ve gone through literally at LEAST 30 stress balls over the course of this past year. Needless to say, I’m a bit hesitant about moving to a rubiks cube. RUBIKS CUBES AREN’T SOFT. I’m just scared I’ll go into a rage and throw it or something. I am improving in my anger management though. I may just be under estimating my capabilities. But at the same time, I’m trying out new anti-depressants. And those can make me fall into a rage because thats just how the medicine works until I start getting the dose I need and the effects begin to set in. I’m probably just over thinking it, oops. 

ok yeah so this blog is really just me posting crap that happens in my life in a somewhat private manner

this is mostly for myself